PRIME MINISTER TO DRONE STRIKE JACK MA’S MUMS HOUSE

The Prime Minister today chaired a meeting of COBRA following China's decision to impose tariffs on British goods and services. Speaking to the BBC after the meeting, Prime Minister Ashton Gilbert confirmed that officials had identified what they believe to be the operational headquarters of Chinese Central Bank Chairman Jack Ma — described by intelligence sources as "his mum's basement." The Prime Minister stated that a range of retaliatory measures remain under consideration, including strongly worded letters, diplomatic complaints, and the possible publication of several mildly embarrassing photographs. "We will not stand idly by while British products are subjected to unfair treatment," the Prime Minister said. "The United Kingdom stands ready to defend its economic interests with the full force of bureaucratic paperwork." Officials stressed that the situation remains under review.