A Statement from the White House

Japan's exit from the Pacific Free Trade Partnership has deeply hurt American investment into the Japanese economy and its people. The United States is resolved to do whatever it takes to right this injustice and protect the ideals of free trade. Commencing immediately, I am thus raising the Federal Tariff Rate to 2% via Executive Order and implore Congress to implement FULL RETALIATORY TARIFFS of 100% on Japanese companies operating in the United States. We will not forget the memory of Commodore Matthew C. Perry who commenced trade between our nations and ended Japan's self-imposed isolation. Any Japanese corporation still operating in America will be subject to tariffs ASAP. God Bless America and HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY. – President Karl T. Freitag